July 11, 2023
Martha’s Vineyard.
Once more at Turnbuckle Manor, “The All-American Girl” Stacy Brooks is etching out a groove in the wood flooring of the main room as she paces back and forth. In her (absolutely British but Danger won’t hear any such nonsense) “American” voice, she vents on her phone to another party.
“The All-American Girl”: This is absolutely, bloody it! I don’t care how lucrative this managerial representative contract is, Buck! I am not dealing with that accursed half-wit any further! Ever since he won the SWF Tag -and- KCW World Title? He’s becoming even more atrociously obnoxious.
Buck Masters: Honey girl, since that boy won them titles I’ve been selling AR-15s, ammo, and fishing tackle by the truck load! Do you know how much I sold? Well, I can’t tell you in case my competitors or Joe Biden has my phone tapped, but it’s a LOT! I ain’t talkin’ some piddly, piss ass Ford Ranger. I’m talkin’ about SEMIS!
“The All-American Girl”: I don’t care how many wankers have bought your penile compensators. I want out of this contract!
Buck Masters: You seem mighty upset, honey. And I’m a father of some darling girls, so I want you to feel heard and such. But tell me, what were you makin’ doin’ that modelin’ on Roh-dee-oh Drive? Ten grand? Chickenshit money.
Just then Stacy hears her phone ping with an app notification on it. Pulling the phone from her ear to gaze, she sees a Venmo notification of $100,000 sent from Buck. Cursing, she brings the phone back to her ear where Buck is chortling.
Buck Masters: Consider that some title win spendin’ money. In fact, you said Danger won some Brit title right?
Another ping hits as Stacy sighs in defeat at the money just being too good to quit.
Buck Masters: See, here in America? A few greenbacks can solve any of the world’s problems.
“The All-American Girl”: Don’t be so bloody sure!
Storming down the corridor of the West Wing… which Lord Turnbuckle has granted to Danger for use as “reward” for “following the plan” in the tag title match. Coming into the area, blasting, but muffled music is heard from a pair of double doors at the furthest wall.
With a resigned sigh, she forces open the doors and is almost blasted back by the near glass shattering volume of the famous song by Queen!
WEEEEEEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIEEEEEEENDS!!!!
In a monogrammed “BT” bathrobe… and nothing else… save his two championship titles goofily wrapped around his waist, and of course his trademark aviator shades, the KCW World Champion rocks and air guitars on the large four-poster bed. Lip synching as the Queen song continues.
AND WE’LL KEEP ON FIGHTING, TIL THE ENNNNNNDD!!!!!
"Danger": WE…ARE… THE CHAMPIONS! WEEEE ARRREE THE CHAAAMPPPIOOONNNSS!
Holding up her camera so Buck can see via FaceTime, Stacy backs away far enough so Buck can hear her shouting.
“The All-American Girl”: He’s been doing this bloody nonstop the past SEVENTY-TWO HOURS!
Buck Masters: That’s what Americans do, honey. We party. Let the boy have his fun. Gotta go now. I got me a golf game with Senator Haggerty. Need to get him to make sure he kills that silly hollow point ammo ban and such.
“The All-American Girl”: Wait! Buck!
Stacy screams in frustration as the sponsor ends the call. Huffing in defeat, she storms over and pauses the music… which doesn’t stop Danger one bit as he keeps jamming out. Until she sharply whistles and gets his attention.
“The All-American Girl”: Get off that bed and stop prancing around like a five-year-old!
Suitably admonished, Danger hops down, but he still keeps his “cool aura” as he walks over to the bay windows, grabbing a sports bottle and chugging it down before looking out at the Atlantic Ocean.
“Danger”: Today… is a great day to be American.
A truly profound statement.
“Danger”: Not only did the Allied Powers defeat those Russian Spies and the Frenchie and his hobo pal? But I saved a promotion by becoming its World Champion.
“The All-American Girl”: *raised eyebrow* You followed the barking orders of Turnbuckle like his toady and literally was dragged by your ear to the ring and got a free laydown win.
“Danger”: Oh Stacy, you confused girl…
Striking a pose, Danger gives his own raised eyebrow, not to her, but to his reflection as he angles his shades for “extra” heroicness.
“Danger”: That’s what I wanted them to believe. Like Clark Kent? I can’t let them know I’m really Superman.
Stacy just takes an akimbo pose and shakes her head.
“The All-American Girl”: I sometimes wonder if you suffered a traumatic brain injury, such as being dropped on your head as a child or a bruising tackle in that Yank Rugby that you call “football”... or if you’re just that mentally deficient.
“Danger”: All the great savants and geniuses are misunderstood, doll.
Feeling herself ready to scream again, Stacy is about to snap and throw something when (quite conveniently), Matilda shows up. A full glass of wine in hand, she offers it to an appreciative Stacy who takes it (and a large drink).
Matilda: M'lord requires your presence Sir “Dane-jurr”.
“Danger”: “Requires”?
Danger turns and gives a “scathing heroic” look.
“Danger”: American heroes aren’t “required”.
Danger snaps his shades back into place and snaps into a firm military pose with his hands clutched behind his back.
“Danger”: We’re begged to save the day. A Brit, of anyone, should know that.
Right on cue, Stacy offers the remaining half of her glass of wine to Matilda who takes it in appreciative thanks and does her own chug.
“The All-American Girl”: Just go, Mark.
“Danger”: Mark?
“The All-American Girl”: *eyeroll* Just go, “Danger”. Show him that Americans are the bigger men and answer the call.
“Danger”: That’s the Marines. I’m a Naval Air Corps officer.
Danger walks up and pats Stacy’s cheek.
“Danger”: But for you? Anything. A hero never lets an All-American Girl down.
Danger struts off, not bothering to change, so in a bathrobe with title straps still wrapped around him, he makes his way toward the direction of the lord of the manor.
Matilda and Stacy are just left staring, speechless.
“The All-American Girl”: I know I’ve asked this before, but you are -sure- this isn’t one of those “you got embarrassed” American telly reality shows?
Within the audience chamber, Sir Boliver Turnbuckle taps out a rhythmic cadence on the arm of his chair. His newly acquired, terribly old chair. Upon this throne the Lord of the Ring listens intently as George presents him with a briefing.
“George”: Thanks to your lordship’s generous contributions, the Turnbuckle Foundation has acquired its first holdings near Detroit. I received word from our broker in Michigan that we closed on the final structure this morning. An entire suburban block is now in the magnanimous hands of the Foundation.
Turnbuckle flashes a cunning grin that grows with each succeeding sentence. When George finishes, he stops the tapping expectantly.
Turnbuckle: And? What of the locals in the land which rightfully belongs to the Crown again?
“George”: Well, milord, the official census conducted of the block revealed a family of five in one of the homes. The adults each work several jobs to keep their children fed and housed.
Turnbuckle: Peasants who will be overjoyed to become subjects of His Majesty! As the lord of their land, I’ll grant them a pardon on any debts related to the property. Thus they’ll become indebted to myself and the Crown. For now we’ll give these Yanks the carrot so they willingly fall in line. And then? We’ll see how well they behave.
The butler’s expression remains stoic as always as though the words simply washed over him to no effect.
“George”: Very good sir.
Turnbuckle: Of course it is! Is that it, just the one family?
“George”: There are also fourteen rats, a slightly emaciated dog the locals refer to as ‘Frank’ and a rather enterprising crack dealer.
Turnbuckle’s grin twists to a fearsome frown at the news of so few new subjects. The glimmering championship belt in his lap is plenty to raise his spirits though.
Turnbuckle: Fine, a man must begin somewhere I suppose. The Turnbuckle Foundation has its foothold in Detroit - the city we rightfully conquered during the war the Yanks provoked. And the first conquest of 1812 shall be the first this time around. It may have become a crime-ridden shithole of a realm, but it’s a damn sight better than the swamp Nelson Hammer’s outfit operates out of. Or at least it shall be after we’ve brought in some proper British efficiency to its operation.
George’s head snaps toward the door as footsteps echo down the hall. With a wave of his hand Turnbuckle grants the butler permission to attend to the arrivals. Meanwhile he clutches the SWF Tag Team Championship tightly in his hand.
Turnbuckle: Those backwards peasants in Tennessee know nothing of what’s right. They dare pelt a gentleman of MY standing with their unwanted foodstuffs! Let them waste their money on extra concessions, it doesn’t change the fact that I took the crown exactly as I swore that I would. All while shattering what remained of that mad fossilized ‘legend’ just as Wellington’s boys shattered Napoleon’s Grand Armee!
He stood from his time weathered stone throne and hefted the belt over his shoulder. A certain Yank wouldn’t want to see him seated when a true American hero stepped into the room.
Turnbuckle: Those fools can deny it all they wish but the SWF ring has become MY ring. It is now sovereign British territory, ruled by a fully BRITISH lord. Unlike the Jerries who continue to sit upon the throne to this day. If I had my way-
It’s right then that his dramatic monologue is interrupted by the words of Freddie Mercury being bellowed in the halls. Turnbuckle sighs, covers his ears and glares toward the door.
Turnbuckle: “Danger”, that is QUITE enough! If you can cease your singing for five minutes there’s something we must discuss.
Danger eventually strolls up, not caring that he’s presenting himself only in a bathrobe as he loops his two title belts around a shoulder each.
“Danger”: The greatness of American heroism can and will never be “ceased”, Turnbuckle. You should follow my example…
Danger hitches his shoulders, making the two titles bounce and jiggle momentarily.
“Danger”: Then maybe you too, would be a double champion.
Turnbuckle rolls his eyes and grumbles something about letting the inmates run the asylum. With a sigh he steps towards Danger and glares at the two belts as well as the monogram on the robe.
Turnbuckle: And what example is that, “Danger”? Enlighten me. Because your double champion status is only possible because of British money. You would not have - er, convinced - Ms. Knight to part with that British championship without the unauthorized use of my funds. As much as I value your contributions to our united front against the enemies of liberty, this is not something I can just sweep under the rug. Luckily I have a solution that will iron things out and will make the Allied Powers even more prestigious!
He grins confidently as he taps the KCW World Championship.
Turnbuckle: As you acquired this title with my help, it’s only fair that it becomes OUR championship. Each of us has an equal stake in it and together we will rehabilitate its reputation! Each of us may carry it to the ring. For what’s more glorious than the Allied Powers being tag team champions?
Turnbuckle poses dramatically, his hand gripping the KCW title still
Turnbuckle: The Allied Powers being double champions. Even after this whole Gauntlet for the Gold, we will hold more gold than anyone in SWF. Of course, I do fully intend to smash the enemies of freedom, liberty and order to see myself crowned SWF World Champion as well. A crown of such stature belongs on the head of a noble gentleman, not the kind of back alley gutter riff raff which composes the rest of the locker room! When I have finally taken that throne and removed the swampy stink from the top prize, all of Tennessee will proclaim ‘GOD SAVE THE KING!’.
Matilda and George applaud the proclamation over-enthusiastically as Turnbuckle looks toward the window and envisions the entire studio audience prostrating themselves before him. For a moment Matilda starts to snicker, but a cautionary glance from George puts a quick stop to it.
Turnbuckle: - and God Bless America! Because when the dust has duly settled, “Danger”, the pair of us will hold all the gold in SWF that matters. I don’t consider that Hardcore Championship to be worthwhile now that it’s got such a French stink to it. We’ve done well to stop the Russian agents, the wandering Frenchman and his hobo companion, but more enemies abound! The question is, are you ready to do your part to stop them?
Danger looks more than a bit annoyed that Turnbuckle is gripping what he feels is -his- rightful KCW World Title.
“Danger”: Your funds were a contribution to an American cause. I would think someone whose country belonged to NATO would finally realize it is time for them to keep their end of the bargain.
Petulantly he refuses to release the title and futilely tugs on it, pretty much ignoring anything Turnbuckle said until “more enemies of America” are mentioned. This causes him to forget all about it as he jolts up.
“Danger”: More Commies and Insurrectionists?! WHO?! We must stomp out their subversive designs on this sacred land!
Turnbuckle’s equally annoyed that Danger refuses to relinquish something purchased with his funds. Yet Danger taking the bait makes him grin knowingly. The Lord of the Ring struts towards the window, hands clasped behind his back.
Turnbuckle: I’m afraid it’s more complicated than simply those old sorts of foes. Far different than the kinds you’ve so honorably put down for your nation. Because we’re to do battle with a man completely and irrevocably divorced from reality. A man who believes that attempting to rap entitles him to championship opportunities. I’m afraid, my friend, that this man is very much not right in the mind. John Blade is a madman who seeks to overthrow the powers that be and tries to seize the opportunity of others simply because he exists. Is that not an enemy who needs to be crushed? I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he were a foreign agent seeking to sow chaos and disorder in this country.
“Danger”: John Blade?
Holding up his hand, Danger looks around and realizes he doesn’t have his phone. So he does the next best thing… snatches Turnbuckle’s. And somehow he’s learned Turnbuckle’s secret code… or he’s just lucky… and unlocks it as he dials.
The Admiral: DANGER! How are ya my boy? I was just here tellin’ Sheila about your success at…
“Danger”: That’s fine, Admiral. But this is urgent. John Blade. What does Central have on him?
The Admiral: John Blade? Hmm… let’s see here… oh! I know this one! Damned cheating scum somehow got himself into the lineup of the Army-Navy game of ‘01… AND HE WASN’T EVEN ENROLLED IN EITHER ACADEMY! Crazy son of a bitch played the first half for Navy, THEN SWITCHED SIDES AND HELPED ARMY WIN! HE’S A GODDAMN BENEDICT ARNOLD, HE IS!
All Danger hears is “Benedict Arnold” and he becomes incensed, turning beet red and shaking with fury as The Admiral continues.
The Admiral: If I recall, he also had a torrid affair with Latoya Hixx and Deena Hixx AT THE SAME TIME. They say it’s why the two sisters hate each other… when they’re not having strange lesbian incest moments. Eh! Love is love I suppose!
“Danger”: Bedroom matters don’t concern me, Admiral. Is he a traitor?
The Admiral: Well, he books himself championship matches at any random moment, yet sometimes doesn’t show up for the card. Thus, robbing the good American people of the money they pay to see him. So yes, he’s a traitor and a thief!
“Danger”: Thank you, Admiral. I’ll call you later.
Danger ends the call… AND THEN FLINGS TURNBUCKLE’S PHONE ACROSS THE ROOM AS IT GOES CRASHING INTO A WALL AND SHATTERS!
“Danger”: WE MUST STOP THIS MONSTER!
Turnbuckle attempts to maintain his British stiff upper lip, his hands clenched into fists.
Turnbuckle: Yes, quite. I’ll just take that out of your next SWF paycheck.
Before Danger can protest Turnbuckle presses on.
Turnbuckle: The nefarious John Blade is teamed up with Demarco Cole. A man obsessed with his own image as a criminal whose self importance leads him to broadcast it to the world via social media. He’s not just an imposter criminal, he’s criminally incompetent! And worse yet he’s infiltrated your nation, armed, and is attempting to undermine society through social media influence! I sincerely doubt that you’d allow a CANADIAN to do that to your beloved America?
In the background Matilda twitches at the emphasis on Canadian, but she’s again calmed by George beside her.
Danger, refusing to ever concede a point, smirks at Turnbuckle’s threat about the paycheck.
“Danger”: Joke’s on you Brit Boy, my sponsorship deal with Buck’s Gun & Tackle Outdoor Emporium pays five times what Nelson Hammer does. Just like a good American…
Danger dramatically pauses and tilts his shades down.
“Danger”: I give my SWF paycheck to the local boys home in Nashville.
He then stares at Turnbuckle hard.
“Danger”: You wouldn’t be some sour limey to take money from children would you?
Now it’s Danger who doesn’t let Turnbuckle retort as he continues.
“Danger”: No, I didn’t think so. Anyway, godsdamn Canadians! I saw this in a documentary once! How they tried to invade America! It happened in the early 1990s! We were barely saved by Hawkeye of the great show M*A*S*H* and a General who oddly looks like The Admiral…
Having walked in, Stacy hears all this and can’t help but screams.
“The All-American Girl”: THAT WAS THE MOVIE CANADIAN BACON YOU BLOODY DIMWIT!
Turnbuckle meanwhile glares intensely out the window for a long moment, trying not to lash out. Much as he hates it he needs Danger. At Stacy’s outburst Turnbuckle spins around and shoots her a knowing look - but one that says to let it be.
Turnbuckle: Then we’re agreed. We will destroy the two enemies of righteousness. No mercy will be shown. Then, after they’ve been thoroughly trounced, we will ensure that the Allied Powers triumph in the Gauntlet for the Gold! It’s the only way we can make the world safe!
Safe for British hegemony, of course. But he leaves that part out as he continues to fire up his partner.
Turnbuckle places his hand on Danger’s shoulder and nods.
Turnbuckle: Your serv- I mean, friendship - is important to my - our - plans, Danger. It’s us against the entire world to make things safe for the ideals we believe in. I refuse to allow the championship of that world fall into the hands of lesser men. It’s our duty to seize the top prize and protect it against all enemies foreign and domestic! Only then will we truly be able to assure the future is secure.
He snarls as he thinks of how their tag title win ended.
Turnbuckle: I will not allow them to ruin my moment again. Each and every one of those stupid bastards who stands in my way will be annihilated. All of them will be exposed to the world as charlatans when they lay broken, bleeding, and begging for mercy at my feet. It’s not just a desire of mine, it is nothing less than destiny. Many shall rise up to take that crown, but they are unworthy of it. Only someone of high stature and character deserves to hold it, and by god that WILL be me. This is MY throne and I WILL seize it by any means necessary. The assembled thugs, n’er-do-wells and pandering ‘heroes’ will be subjected to the worst beatings they’ve suffered in their lives! To hell with them all. This will be my - our - victory, Danger. We simply have to lay down the law of the land.
Danger watches the tirade and looks at George and Matilda with an “Is this guy off his rocker?” expression. The irony is not lost on the servants, nor Stacy, though they all stay quiet for the sake of peace… and their sanity.
All the same, Danger gets flashbacks to that maniacal display at the last Championship Wrestling From Nashville show. One that admittedly made him fearful and also lose the “safety” of his Danger persona. But in a (rare) moment of brilliance, he comes up with an idea.
“Danger”: Your conviction is admirable, Turnbuckle. Though that reminds me. I got a bit of intel earlier. It seems your claim of nobility is being challenged in British court. Some former servant or other has filed an impostor charge or some such.
Shrugging, Danger turns around and begins to walk off with his titles, Stacy looking confused but following in tow.
“Danger”: You might want to take care of your throne at home before trying to declare you’re going to invade our shores…
Stacy quickly runs up and in a hushed whisper talks to Danger.
“The All-American Girl”: Is that true?
“Danger”: Who knows. But one call to the Admiral will make it true as far as the media is concerned.
Danger looks at Stacy and smiles triumphantly.
“Danger”: There’s more than one way to take down an insurrectionist lunatic, Stacy.
As Danger walks off, Stacy blinks.
Half in admiration at the guile…
Half in disbelief of the entire situation. Back in the audience chamber Turnbuckle is fuming at his partner's threats. He glares down at the title on his throne and sneers. Suddenly he kicks over a small table with as much force as the curb stomp that took out Brusier Bedlam.
Turnbuckle: How DARE he even suggest I come from disputed lineage! This outrage will not go unpunished! Boliver Turnbuckle, Earl of Buckingham, Lord of the Ring is the very image of a British gentleman. I swear now that if he gets in the way of MY ascension to the world title there will be hell to pay.
"George": Milord-
Turnbuckle: Matilda, go with George and help him prepare the study for recording.
Matilda blinks and stares up at George, whispering her concern.
Matilda: Should we tell him?
"George": Not at the moment. Let us just do his bidding.
They leave quickly as Boliver sneers again.
Turnbuckle: It's Turnbuckle Tea Time.
